A Modest Proposal (A Modern English Translation).
This is a plan to stop poor children in Ireland from being a burden to their families or the country and instead make them useful to society.
Written by Jonathan Swift (1729).
This article has been Modernized for clarity and readability. Sometimes, it’s just fun to revisit a classic.
It is a sad sight for anyone walking through the city or traveling in the countryside to see the streets and roads filled with poor women begging, followed by three, four, or even six children dressed in rags. These mothers, instead of being able to earn an honest living, must spend all their time begging to feed their helpless children. As these children grow up, they often become thieves because they cannot find work, or they leave their homeland to fight in foreign wars, or sell themselves into harsh labor overseas.
Everyone agrees that this huge number of poor children, constantly clinging to their parents, is a serious problem for the country. Anyone who could find a cheap, fair, and simple way to turn these children into useful members of society would deserve a statue as a savior of the nation.
My plan is not limited only to children of professional beggars. It includes all infants born to parents who are just as unable to support them as those begging in the streets.
I have spent many years thinking about this problem and carefully considering all the plans suggested by others. I have found that they are badly mistaken. It is true that a baby can survive on its mother’s milk for about one year, at little cost, perhaps no more than two shillings. The mother can usually manage this through begging. But once the child reaches one year of age, I propose a solution that will not only stop the child from being a burden on parents or the parish, but will actually make the child useful by helping to feed and clothe others.
Another advantage of my plan is that it would prevent abortions and the terrible practice of mothers killing their unwanted children, something that happens far too often. Many women do this not out of shame, but to avoid the cost of raising a child, a thought that should move even the most heartless person to pity.
The population of Ireland is usually estimated at about one and a half million people. Of these, around two hundred thousand couples are able to have children. Subtract thirty thousand who can afford to support their children, and fifty thousand more whose children die from illness or accidents in the first year. This leaves about one hundred and twenty thousand poor children born each year. The question is how to care for them. Under current conditions, it is completely impossible using any existing methods. They cannot be put to work in farming or trades, and they are too young to survive by stealing until around the age of six.
Merchants tell us that children under twelve are worthless as workers, and even at that age they would sell for no more than three pounds, which does not cover the cost of raising them.
I now present my own idea, which I hope will raise no objections.
I have been assured by a knowledgeable American acquaintance that a healthy, well-fed child of one year old makes delicious, nutritious food, whether cooked by roasting, baking, boiling, or stewing. It would work equally well in fancy dishes.
Therefore, I suggest that out of the one hundred and twenty thousand children, twenty thousand be kept for breeding, with only one male for every four females. The remaining one hundred thousand children, at one year old, should be sold to wealthy people throughout the country. Mothers should nurse the children well in the final month so they are plump and suitable for the table.
One child would provide two dishes for a dinner party, and a single portion would be enough for a family meal. Properly seasoned, it would even keep well for several days, especially in winter.
A newborn weighs about twelve pounds, and after a year of feeding will reach around twenty-eight pounds.
This food may be expensive, but landlords deserve it most, since they have already taken everything else from the poor.
Children would be available year-round, but especially in spring. Since Catholic families tend to have more children, this plan would also reduce the number of Catholics in the country.
Raising a poor child costs about two shillings per year. A wealthy person would gladly pay ten shillings for a healthy child, which would provide several fine meals. The mother would make a profit and be able to return to work until she has another child.
Those who are especially frugal could even use the child’s skin to make gloves or boots.
In Dublin, slaughterhouses could be set up, and butchers would not be hard to find. I recommend buying children alive and preparing them fresh, just like pigs.
A patriotic friend suggested that older children, aged twelve to fourteen, could also be used to replace venison. I disagree, since boys are too lean and tough, and girls would be more valuable alive, as future mothers. Some people might even call this cruel, which I admit is my strongest objection.
Others worry about elderly and sick poor people. I am not concerned, since they are already dying from hunger and disease. As for young laborers, they are starving anyway, and too weak to work when hired.
To summarize, the benefits of my plan are clear:
1. It would reduce the number of Catholics.
2. Poor tenants would have something valuable to help pay rent.
3. The nation would save enormous sums of money and gain a new luxury food.
4. Mothers would profit and no longer need to support children after one year.
5. Taverns and restaurants would thrive.
6. Marriage would increase, and parents would care more for their children.
There are many other advantages, but I will be brief.
Dublin alone could consume twenty thousand children a year, and the rest of the country the remaining eighty thousand.
The only objection I can imagine is that the population would decrease. I admit this is true, and it was part of my plan. I am speaking only of Ireland. Therefore, do not suggest other solutions like taxing absentee landlords, buying Irish goods, reducing luxury, encouraging honesty, or showing mercy to tenants. No one seriously intends to try those ideas.
I am open to better proposals, as long as they are practical and effective. But first, critics should explain how they would feed and clothe one hundred thousand poor children.
I sincerely state that I have no personal gain in this proposal. I have no young children to sell, and my wife can no longer have children. My only goal is the good of my country: helping the poor, improving trade, and providing pleasure for the rich.
