For Pete’s sake, kill Jar-Jar already!
by Martin Hafer
A while back, the Disney company bought the Star Wars franchise for a bazillion bucks, more or less. While most people on the internet started questioning when and how many new Star Wars films would come to theaters in the near future as a result of this, my thoughts were immediately turned to something far more important–whether Jar-Jar Binks might finally die once and for all! Should the Disney folk do this, I swear that I’ll be forever in their debt! I’ll buy Disney stock, I’ll renew my yearly pass to Disney World, I’ll take another Disney cruise…heck, I’ll even say nice things about John Carter or Mars Needs Moms!
Back when the first three Star Wars films appeared, I was a big fan and enjoyed them immensely. Imagine the horror of folk like me when we saw the three newer Star Wars films and George Lucas insisted on pushing a god-awful character like Jar-Jar Binks on us! While some kids may have thought he was cute or funny, he was nothing like the likable characters of old, with countless amounts of Star Wars t-shirts and other Jar-Jar emblazoned memorabilia going unsold. Everyone except small children and George Lucas quickly realized that this character was an absolute abomination. Folks across the internet began furiously blogging about how they hated Jar-Jar, and a variety of games appeared online where you could vent your frustration on this nauseating guy (I particularly liked ‘Gun Down the Gungan,’ where you can shoot him whack-a-mole style). Yet, inexplicably, George Lucas responded to this groundswell of hate by putting Jar-Jar in all three of the new films and insisting that the fans were wrong! This, however, wasn’t enough–and Lucas even arranged to have this hellish being inserted into DVDs of the original three films. Yes, he was sure that Jar-Jar was a great character, even though practically everyone with a pulse disagreed.
*****
Now that Lucas no longer owns the franchise, I hope and pray that Disney sees the seething undercurrent of internet hate and seriously considers never allowing Mr. Binks to come anywhere near their new films! If you don’t believe me about how despised Jar-Jar is, do a Google search and you’ll find almost 4,000,000 hits when you type in “kill Jar Jar.” So please, please, please Mr. Iger, do not put Jar-Jar in another Star Wars film under any circumstance…unless it is to feature him dying in the first few minutes of your next Star Wars movie! And, if you do this, I suggest you make his death slow, violent and very, very permanent!
By the way, I am not normally this hostile. I am actually a very good parent, pay my taxes and am nice to animals. But I also like good movies and because of this I am simply hoping that the new batch of films is worthy of our time and devotion…and 100% Jar-Jar-free.
Jar Jar’s primary role in Episode I was to provide comic relief for the audience, and was generally met with extremely negative comments from both critics and viewers. He is often acknowledged as one of the worst and most hated characters of the Star Wars franchise and the entire film industry at large.
–Wikipedia
Can Lucas just collect all of the copies of Episode I-III and pretend they didn’t happen like he did the Wookie Christmas special in 1979? Star Wars is great. Empire better (which Lucas didn’t direct) and Return is good (again, no Lucas). But the other three are self-indulgent pieces of junk that wouldn’t hold up on their own outside of the Star Wars universe. The stories, in concept, are fine but the execution was dismal. I hope JJ does a better job. I mean, he has too, right?
By the way, Juan, I did a review of the infamous CHRISTMAS SPECIAL a few months ago! I am fortunate enough to have seen it–and lived!!! That and Jar Jar are reasons that I am thrilled George Lucas no longer owns the franchise.
I want to read that! Where is that review???
https://influxmagazine.com/the-star-wars-holiday-special/
Enjoy!! It’s horrible…but so enjoyably bad!
Was it really THAT bad? I’ll need to try to find a copy. That’s unless all of them have been destroyed with extreme prejudice!
George Lucas TRIED to destroy all copies. But, thanks to the miracle of YouTube, he seems to have given up trying…so typing ‘Star Wars Holiday Special’ should bring it up–either in edited highlights or the entire godawful show.
What did I just watch?! My eyes!!! That was terrible! Truly awful. The first segment with the growling Wookie family waiting for Chewbacca, just went on and on. I only lasted about 20 minutes after that. W hat happened to Mark Hamill and why was he wearing all that makeup?!
You deserve a medal for sitting through that film then reviewing it.
I warned you that it was terrible!
As for Hamill, you cannot blame him for the look. He had just recently had a horrible accident and his face went through a car windshield! So, considering everything, he looked pretty good! He broke his nose but was otherwise amazingly lucky.
It occurred after filming of the first film (pt 4) and before the second (pt 5)
However, NO ONE ELSE associated with the show has any excuse!!
You know it’s bad when most of the rabid Star Wars fans even think the show was terrible. However, for a laugh, look through the reviews on IMDB. A few souls with questionable sanity who are truly rabid insist that the show was brilliant!!
One says it’s “one heck of a good STAR WARS film” and another says they loved it when it debuted AND they love it now. Of course, there were also folks who thought New Coke and PINK LADY AND JEFF were good!
lol. I just read through the IMDb reviews. “Mark Hamill looks like a drag queen”!
That’s pretty mean…and I wouldn’t go that far. BUT, Harvey Korman IS in it and he’s also in drag…but is that so unusual?!
My favorite moment is actually the terrible Boba Fet cartoon. To his small army of INSANE followers, they insist that this is the greatest film EVER!! Their enthusiasm has always baffled me.
My second favorite moment is….well…EVERYTHING because it’s ALL so horrible!
If you can actually watch ALL of the show (and I certainly did) then I have another recommendation of something so bad almost no one can finish it–the movie THE APPLE (1980)–a disco/sci-fi/religious allegory filmed mostly in a German shopping mall and featuring a guest appearance by Jesus in his flying Cadillac at the end of the movie. It is just so awful that no one in my family will watch it with me…and I love every awful moment of it!!!
THE APPLE is much like XANADU, ROLLER BOOGIE and the like…but even worse!
I actually didn’t mind Jar Jar as much as that kid who played Anakin Skywalker in The Phantom Menace.
Actually, the other things that bothered me were all in Episode 3–The lightsaber battle only inches from MOLTEN LAVA….and yet they seemed just fine until dumb old Darth Aniken fell into the goop. Also, seeing Yoda bouncing about like a ninja on crack during the other lightsaber duel. Both made me groan…
For what it’s worth … https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIBkRs3pPKI
The Star Wars Christmas Special on YouTube (or at least the lowlights)!
Apparently, Disney has listened to the Star Wars fans!!!
http://variety.com/2015/film/news/star-wars-force-awakens-post-credits-scene-jar-jar-ewoks-1201655531/
Interesting piece. I was never a fan of Jar-Jar or Ewoks.
For me, but obviously not most viewers since the franchise is so beloved, the biggest problem with me enjoying the Star Wars films are all the cutesy characters which were put there for one reason–merchandising towards kids. Perhaps I am cynical, but I think Mel Brooks was right in SPACEBALLS when he yelled “Merchandising”!! If you’re a kid, it’s great….if you’re an adult, you just want the Ewoks and Jar Jar to go away…forever.
I agree. Mel Brooks nailed it!!
Well said, it is all about merchandising. The absence of these characters in these films would’ve only enhanced the quality but the financial bottom line would’ve suffered. It’s all business.