For Pete’s sake, kill Jar-Jar already!

by Martin Hafer

A while back, the Disney company bought the Star Wars franchise for a bazillion bucks, more or less. While most people on the internet started questioning when and how many new Star Wars films would come to theaters in the near future as a result of this, my thoughts were immediately turned to something far more important–whether Jar-Jar Binks might finally die once and for all! Should the Disney folk do this, I swear that I’ll be forever in their debt! I’ll buy Disney stock, I’ll renew my yearly pass to Disney World, I’ll take another Disney cruise…heck, I’ll even say nice things about John Carter or Mars Needs Moms!

Back when the first three Star Wars films appeared, I was a big fan and enjoyed them immensely. Imagine the horror of folk like me when we saw the three newer Star Wars films and George Lucas insisted on pushing a god-awful character like Jar-Jar Binks on us! While some kids may have thought he was cute or funny, he was nothing like the likable characters of old, with countless amounts of Star Wars t-shirts and other Jar-Jar emblazoned memorabilia going unsold. Everyone except small children and George Lucas quickly realized that this character was an absolute abomination. Folks across the internet began furiously blogging about how they hated Jar-Jar, and a variety of games appeared online where you could vent your frustration on this nauseating guy (I particularly liked ‘Gun Down the Gungan,’ where you can shoot him whack-a-mole style). Yet, inexplicably, George Lucas responded to this groundswell of hate by putting Jar-Jar in all three of the new films and insisting that the fans were wrong! This, however, wasn’t enough–and Lucas even arranged to have this hellish being inserted into DVDs of the original three films. Yes, he was sure that Jar-Jar was a great character, even though practically everyone with a pulse disagreed.

Now that Lucas no longer owns the franchise, I hope and pray that Disney sees the seething undercurrent of internet hate and seriously considers never allowing Mr. Binks to come anywhere near their new films! If you don’t believe me about how despised Jar-Jar is, do a Google search and you’ll find almost 4,000,000 hits when you type in “kill Jar Jar.” So please, please, please Mr. Iger, do not put Jar-Jar in another Star Wars film under any circumstance…unless it is to feature him dying in the first few minutes of your next Star Wars movie! And, if you do this, I suggest you make his death slow, violent and very, very permanent!

By the way, I am not normally this hostile. I am actually a very good parent, pay my taxes and am nice to animals. But I also like good movies and because of this I am simply hoping that the new batch of films is worthy of our time and devotion…and 100% Jar-Jar-free.

Jar Jar’s primary role in Episode I was to provide comic relief for the audience, and was generally met with extremely negative comments from both critics and viewers. He is often acknowledged as one of the worst and most hated characters of the Star Wars franchise and the entire film industry at large.