Not Even Close

by Ed Blackadder

I enjoy watching low-budget indie horrors, because it’s fun seeing all the different techniques and styles new filmmakers try out, or, we can occasionally discover the next Blair Witch Project, or even find the new PT Anderson. Fear not, because this is none of those things. Not even close. In fact, I can’t believe I used those names in the same sentence as this poorly conceived, contrived horror. To be honest, I’m struggling to write anything positive and not go off on one of my rants, for fear of trashing this unfortunate flick worse than I’m about to. If I weren’t so cautious of hurting people’s sensibilities, I’d have headed the film, WTF! Only, I wouldn’t have used the letters, but bolded words. Words like “abysmal,” and “abject failure,” also made it onto my notepad, but I’ll not use them here. Oh, no.

I sat watching with an open mind (very important) for about fifteen minutes, but it was a long and arduous time and felt like an hour, so I tried to see it as a comedy. Nope. Still didn’t work. Eventually I had to take off my rose tinted glasses and simply suffer through it as best I could. It wasn’t pleasant. It’s a British horror set in Spain from helmer Neil Jones who exec produced in another movie I reviewed a few months back The Zombie King. It explains a lot. The only actors of any note were Craig Fairbrass (The Bank Job) and of course… eh, that’s it I’m afraid. Just the one. The ladies were not too great at all, and looked like a cross between the Spice Girls, Laurel and Hardy with Myra Hindley chucked in for good measure. What was with the hair?

Directed by
Neil Jones
Marcia Do Vales, Craig Fairbrass, Victoria Broom
Release Date
Ed’s Grade: F+

The story was a poor attempt at a shock horror, where we’re meant to be all surprised at what’s happening as this terrifying ordeal unfolds and we learn the shocking truth. It was a bit silly putting the surprise killer on the front of the poster with an evil look on her face, covered in blood! The mysterious locked room was pretty meaningless because it wasn’t exploited at all. We find out what’s behind the door, then nothing. It was used to allow a pointless and repetitive conversation that served no real purpose to the story or it’s outcome. The dog was another non entity that failed miserably. This was an ill-conceived movie in every single department.

I fully appreciate it’s a low-budget indie but that is absolutely no excuse for this mishap. No effort has gone into this film. The takes were badly handled. The ladies couldn’t have done much rehearsing, if at all, and it wasn’t led well with no effort from the director to get the ladies to perform. The sex scene with fellow Glaswegian Natalia Celino was badly perceived. Natalia should have refused to do the scene, but, it was yet another failure by Jones, as he was thinking like an undersexed boy instead of a director. I’m a man, and I too admire the female body, but big does not always mean better, well, on film.

The best performance came, when Marcia Do Vales (Gabby) lay dead on the floor, not speaking, or moving. Infinitely better than her acting throughout the film, or the scene right before she drops dead, as she makes a poor attempt at looking like she’s dying (shudder).

If you like the challenge of a very, very, very, rough film then you just might get something out of it. Sadly, I’ve seen too many like this already and it didn’t entertain me in the slightest. Not one iota. Time to empty my sick-bag.