Unapologetically stupid…

I was given the assignment to watch and review Big Tits Dragon (Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5) and I can only assume that it’s some sort of hazing for the new guy!  I’ve only been writing for Influx for about a week—so perhaps this is some initiation.  And, if I like the film, the editor will know I am completely insane!  Or, perhaps we have a different opinion as to what is a ‘good’ bad film and what is just a bad film and what is a cheesy film.  Regardless, while I didn’t hate Big Tits Dragon, it isn’t the same sort of bad movie I enjoy watching.  I love films that TRY to be good but fail miserably in every way (such as The Room or Plan 9 From Outer Space).  Bit Tits Dragon, on the other hand tries to be a horrible movie.  While there is enough to mildly recommend it for some audiences, it’s not a good bad film—it’s just a cheesy film that tries to be terrible.

The Big Tits Dragon
Directed by
Takao Nakano
Cast
Sora Aoi, Risa Kasumi, Mari Sakurai
Release Date
2014
Martin’s Grade: D

Before I talk about the plot and what I thought of the film, I should mention that, not surprisingly, it’s NOT a family-friendly film.  With a title like this, this should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone.  However, what surprised me was how seldom the film showed nudity.  It’s not a soft-core porno film even though the title sure sounds like one.  There are a few breast shots and a wildly sick shot involving a flame thrower (you have to see it to believe it), but it’s clearly a mild rated-R film—even with all the blood.  And, speaking of blood, the film uses so much fake blood and guts but it never seemed the least bit realistic.  While I wouldn’t recommend this film to teens (or anyone with taste), it won’t warp you for life!

The first half of Big Tits Dragon has almost no plot.  Five not particularly talented strippers are out of work and bored in a small town in Japan. They mostly sit around in their underwear and complain or try to make money.  Only about halfway into the film does anything of consequence happen.    One of them notices a locked door behind a curtain in their dressing room.  It leads to a tunnel to a weird home where one of them discovers The Book of the Dead.  She invokes a spell that unleashes a plague of over-acting zombies on the Earth.  Then, a battle ensues between strippers and Zombies until the Blue Ogre arrives from Hell to put everything right (this is, by far, the best scene in the film).


The acting is very bad and the plot very silly.  But, the film isn’t 100% terrible because it knows it’s bad and makes no bones about it.  In many ways, it reminds me of a Troma film—one that wants to be a bad film and revels in cheesiness.  And, some of the film is actually clever and funny (such as when sushi turns into zombie sushi).  But most of it is rather stupid and it’s not the sort of film you want to let your mother or friends know you’ve watched because they’ll probably have a lower opinion of you!

Silly, occasionally sexy and quite dumb—this is Bit Tits Zombie in a nut shell.  This film is NOT for everyone and is best for someone who is obsessed with the zombie genre.  For anyone else, this is easy to skip—and your brain might just thank you!

Rating for ‘normal’ folks—D

Rating for people with low standards that like cheese and zombie flicks–B

Review by Martin Hafer, Film Critic